Janie (The Casanova Club Book 15) Page 7

  “I’m sorry, Janie. I’m not intentionally avoiding you. I just have a lot on my plate right now.”

  “I know. You always do.”

  I studied the tension in her jaw and the sharpness of her stare. I’d hurt her. Again.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again, like those words could change a damn thing.

  Janie sighed and tugged at the hem of her skirt. “Max, I know you too well not to know that you would have done all those things for me if something wasn’t wrong. But there is something wrong, isn’t there?”

  “Work is just—”

  “It’s not work,” she said firmly. “I know it’s not work. Something is going on that’s bothering you. I can tell. You’re on the phone all the time, and when you’re not on the phone, you’re staring out into space like you’re looking for answers to unproven scientific theories.” She offered me an attempt at a smile that she might have meant to be comforting, but it was thin. “At first, I was disappointed that you weren’t showing up for me as a friend these past two weeks but now I’m just worried about you. If you need someone to talk to, you know I’m here, right? Just like you were there for me two weeks ago when I called and made an ass out of myself.”

  I didn’t deserve her. Not after how I’d treated her. Not after how things had ended.

  I hung my head.

  “Max,” she said softly, sliding off her chair and crouching down in front of me so she could peer up into my face. She wrapped my hands in hers. Her hands were so small, her fingers thin and dainty, her nails painted a pale glossy pink. “Please talk to me. I’m worried about you.”

  I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept properly in over two weeks. Every thought I had was about Sienna and the baby and what this meant for the future. Every emotion was guilt and regret and self-doubt. The only silver lining had been Janie herself, but I’d come up short there too and let her down.

  “I’m sorry,” was all I could manage.

  Janie stood up, walked purposefully to my office door, and locked the handle. Next, she let all the blinds fall so we were no longer exposed to everyone else in the office. She came right back to where she was, crouched in front of me, and went to her knees. She reached up and surprised me by taking my face in her hands. Her palms were warm, soft, and smelled like lemon hand cream.

  “Max,” she said more firmly this time. “Stop saying sorry to me. Please tell me what’s going on with you before my imagination makes it worse than what it is. Let me help.”

  I grimaced. “The truth will hurt you.”

  “I can handle it.”

  She was missing the point. “But I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “I seriously doubt you would on purpose, would you?”

  “No,” I said.

  “So consider yourself forgiven.”

  I laughed, but there was no humor in the sound that came out of my throat. “You say that now.”

  “Stop playing hard to get,” Janie said, letting her hands fall from my cheeks to rest on my wrists. “Whatever this is, let me in. I can see so much pain in you. Is it your grandmother? Please tell me it’s not—”

  “It’s not.”

  She sighed with relief and closed her eyes. “Thank goodness.”

  Her concern made me wish things were different—made me wish I’d chosen her over work and convenience last year.

  Her eyes fluttered open. “Max, you’re exhausted. You’re tense. You walk around this place like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You’re not hiding it, whatever it is, so you might as well just let it out now. Let me carry some of that burden for you.”

  I swallowed. “This won’t be easy to hear.”

  “That’s okay.”

  My stomach rolled and my heart raced. Sweat tickled the back of my neck, and my tongue felt thick in my mouth. I took a deep breath before letting the words tumble out of me.

  Chapter 11

  Janie

  “My ex-girlfriend is pregnant.” Max’s voice was thin and strained, and for a moment, I thought it might break, but it didn’t. “With my child.”

  My head spun. This was so much worse than anything I could have imagined. Max is going to be a father.

  I’d always seen that in his future, but it hadn’t looked like this. Not at all. Some small part of me still believed that maybe, just maybe, he and I would have found our way back to each other and his children would be my children.

  I shook my head as that dream turned into a cloud of smoke in my mind.

  “Say something,” Max breathed.

  There was nothing I could say.

  “Please,” he whispered, turning his hands over under mine so he could wrap his fingers around my wrists. His strength was reassuring, the pressure of his fingers a welcome reminder that he was right in front of me when he felt like he was growing farther and farther away by the second.

  “A baby,” was all I managed, and it came out as a croak rather than a word.

  He nodded and I realized he looked as broken as I felt. That didn’t make me feel any better. He didn’t want this, either.

  Max looked down at the floor between us. “I don’t love her. The mother. I never did.”

  I wished that made this hurt less, but it didn’t. It made the pain sharper. More disappointing. After wanting to be a father all his life, it was going to happen with a woman he never even loved?

  What a waste.

  “Is she… is she the one who trashed your car?” I asked.

  “She is.”

  I swallowed the lump trying to climb up my throat. I had no right to get emotional right now. “What are you going to do?”

  “The only thing I can do,” Max said, his fingers gripping my wrists a little tighter. “I’m going to be a father.”

  My stomach rolled, and for a moment, I thought I might vomit my cinnamon pastry and tea into the waste basket under his liquor cart.

  “It’s not fair,” I whispered.

  He sighed. “It’s out of my hands now. What am I supposed to do? Leave Sienna to fend for herself and just throw money at her to keep her quiet?”

  A tear finally escaped but I refused to let the sob free that was stuck in my throat. I wiped away the first tear, but so many more followed. “Yes.”

  Max gave me the saddest smile I’d ever seen. “I can’t do that.”

  “I know.” I sniffled.

  “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter how this feels for me. I’m sad for you. I’m mad for you,” I added, staring fiercely up at him. I found my resolve and spoke clearly. “You deserve better than this, Max.”

  He grimaced and looked away but didn’t say anything.

  Did he not believe me? Did he truly think all of this was okay? Did he think this was worth settling for?

  I knew those were terrible things to think when a new baby was coming into the world. A baby that, even if Max didn’t love the mother, he would love more than anything in this world.

  But still.

  This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen for him.

  For me.

  For us.

  I cringed.

  I had no right to be thinking of me right now. This was nothing but selfishness. What I was feeling did not matter here.

  But I was breaking.

  Off-balance and desperately holding on to the sobs that were beginning to overpower me, I pushed myself to my feet. Max’s grip on my wrists loosened, but he didn’t let go.

  “I need a minute,” I pleaded.

  Please let go. Please don’t make me look at you any longer.

  “Janie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t want to. I shouldn’t have said anything. If I could change things, I would. You know that, right?”

  I nodded but didn’t dare speak. One more word might be the thing that pushed me over the edge into oblivion. I needed to be alone.

  Max let me go.

  Without hesitating, I turned and race
d from his office. I flung the door open and took hurried steps to my office, where I pulled the door closed and drew the blinds as curious eyes found me on the other side of the glass wall, Shawn’s included.

  His frown disappeared when the blinds fell closed, and I hurried to my desk, pressed my back against the side of it, and slid down its length to sit with my knees drawn to my chest on the plush black and white carpet. A sob broke free as I bowed my head to my knees and relinquished the hold I had on my emotions.

  Everything fell to pieces inside of me. It was officially over.

  Whatever naïve hope I had of us ever working things out snuffed itself out like a withering flame. All those hollow feelings that had filled me back in New York encroached on me now tenfold, like they had to make up for the lost time of these last two weeks.

  I buried my face in my hands and wished I’d never asked him to come clean with me. It was so much better not knowing.

  Now all I could think about was Max with a bleach-blonde bimbo he didn’t love toting their baby around to go shopping or have lunch. I saw them years down the road standing on the sidelines of a soccer field cheering their child on. I saw Max’s love for his child growing as his resentment for the mother also grew. I saw him becoming a shell of the man I knew him as now.

  Those thoughts led to bitterness and anger.

  I’d meant what I said to him. He deserved better than this. I deserved better than this.

  The door opened softly. I didn’t have to look up to know it was Max. He closed it behind him and hovered there, afraid to come any farther into the room, as I continued crying into my hands.

  He cleared his throat. “Janie?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk anymore.

  He came deeper into my office anyway, and he sat down across from me, drawing his knees up to drape his wrists over them. “Look at me.”

  Lifting my gaze to meet his was not easy, but I did it. Tears continued to stream down my cheeks and I knew my mascara must have looked a mess.

  Max reached out, wiped a tear away with his thumb, and left his hand cupping my cheek. “Please don’t hate me,” he breathed.

  Hate him? How could I ever hate him? I’d never stopped loving him.

  “I could never hate you, Max.”

  “Even though I would deserve it?”

  “Never.”

  “I wish things were different. I didn’t know about the baby until after I’d offered you the job here. If I’d known before you called me…” He trailed off and sighed. His shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what I would have done. I might never have offered you the job to spare you finding out like this. But then again, I might have anyway because I could hear how desperate you were to get out of New York.”

  “I’m glad you did,” I said, wiping away more tears.

  “Are you just saying that?”

  I shrugged.

  Max surprised me by moving to sit beside me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. Instinctively, I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in the smell of him. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall, and all the while, he rubbed my back. I could hear his heart beating steadily and I listened to him breathing.

  I nuzzled in closer.

  It felt good to be so close to him. For a moment I pretended, we were still us and the rest of the world didn’t matter anymore. Sienna and her baby didn’t matter. Neither did work or our past, or the futures that now lay ahead of us, forking in different directions. This moment was enough.

  Max’s fingers were suddenly under my chin, lifting my face to his.

  My eyes fluttered open and locked onto his gaze. His lips parted, and we leaned into each other, and before I had time to process what was happening, he kissed me.

  It started out gentle and soft, like we were reminding ourselves of what it felt like to kiss each other and be so close—like we were afraid. It deepened within moments, and soon, his fingers moved from under my chin to the back of my neck, where they worked up into my hair and tightened into a fist so he could hold me fiercely against him and kiss me like he was trying to brand me with his lips.

  If he could have, I would have let him.

  I wish I was yours, I thought as his tongue pressed between my teeth. I would give you anything to be yours again.

  I whimpered against the kiss and pressed my hands flat to his chest.

  “No,” his soft protest was lost between our lips.

  I knew what he was thinking. Please don’t make me stop.

  But I had to. This would only lead to more pain.

  I pressed harder against his chest and he broke away, eyes downcast, chest rising and falling like he’d just run up and down several flights of stairs.

  “I can’t,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

  Chapter 12

  Max

  “What do you want from me?” Janie’s eyes flicked back and forth between mine.

  My chest ached beneath her palms. “I don’t know.”

  Was that the truth? My head was a storm of thoughts and confusion. I hardly knew up from down, let alone what I wanted from Janie in that moment, besides the comfort of her familiar touch, her body, her kisses. She’d always known how to chase away a bad day when we were together with those lips of hers. She’d shown me mercy I never knew before.

  I wanted that now, but it was unfair to ask it of her.

  Janie let herself slump against my chest. She rested her cheek against me and didn’t pull away, so I wrapped my arms around her.

  “Have you talked to your sister?” she asked.

  Yikes. Holly would rain hell down on me when she found out about Sienna and the baby.

  “No,” I said.

  Janie let out something between a sob and a laugh. “Too scared?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t blame you.” Janie shifted and sat up, wiping away the last of her tears as she brought herself back under control. “You should call her, though. She’ll want to know. And God be with you if she finds out from someone else.”

  Now that was a scary thought. “I’ll call her.”

  “Today?” Janie asked.

  I nodded. “Today.”

  “Good.”

  Was this what we were now? Broken conversations and one-word answers? Was there any chance Janie and I could ever get back to who we used to be? Would she ever want to, now that I’d gone off and made a single mistake that would change the rest of my life?

  Janie nodded toward her door. “I’ll be okay. You should go call her. She’ll be able to give advice that I can’t right now.”

  “I don’t want to leave you in here alone.”

  Janie forced herself to smile, but it didn’t touch her eyes. “I’ll be okay.”

  No you won’t. I can tell.

  “Go,” she said again.

  Knowing she’d made up her mind and wanted nothing more than for me to get out of her office so she could cry in peace, I got to my feet and went to her door, pausing to look back as she stared at the rows of books on her bookshelves.

  “Janie?”

  She glanced at me.

  “I’m still just next door, yeah? That hasn’t changed. I’m still always going to be here.”

  She swallowed, her brow furrowed, and her bottom lip trembled. “I know that.”

  With that, I left her. As soon as the door fell closed behind me, I heard her break down again. The sound of her pain hurt me. A thousand tiny knives poked at my insides as I went to my own office and picked up the phone to call Holly.

  As it rang, I told myself this conversation could in no way be more difficult than the one I’d just had with Janie. I could handle whatever Holly threw at me.

  My sister answered the phone right before my call went to her voicemail. “Long time no talk, stranger. It’s been so long I almost forgot I had a brother.”

  “I’ve been a bit tied up with things.”

  “I know, I know, Mr. big shot CEO. You’re always tied up with other things.
Don’t worry, I forgive you.”

  “You might not feel the same way when I tell you why I’ve been out of touch.”

  Holly paused. There was background music playing and it sounded like she might have been in a mall or a boutique. My sister definitely loved her shopping. Knowing her, she was on the prowl for a new pair of summer sandals or a dress perhaps.

  “What did you do, Max?” she asked.

  How did I put this as delicately as possible?

  My hesitation only made Holly more agitated. “If you don’t spit it out right now, I’m coming down to your office to drag it out of you one way or another. What’s this about?”

  “I got a call from Sienna two weeks ago.”

  “And? What of it? That psycho is always calling you. I don’t know why you ever dated her in the first place, Max. Honestly.” Holly paused and I knew she was shifting the phone to her other ear while she most likely held up an article of clothing to get a better look at it. She hummed briefly, considering, and continued. “She has literally nothing going for her. Sure, she’s got a pretty smile, but she paid for it to look that way, just like everything else about her. Someone should have told her no amount of money can make a cruel person pretty.”

  “Holly, please, just let me—”

  “Was she calling to beg for you back?” Holly laughed bitterly.

  “She was calling to tell me she was pregnant.”

  Holly didn’t say a word.

  I sighed. “With my kid.”

  “What the actual fuck, Max?”

  “I know, it’s a lot, but—”

  “You’ve known this for two weeks and you’re just telling me now?” she seethed. I heard her heels clapping against hard floors. A bell chimed and I pictured her storming out of a boutique to stand on the sidewalk in the blistering sun so she could give me a piece of her mind without scaring off other shoppers. “That bitch weaseled her way into your life once. I’ll be damned if she does it again. A baby? Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “I wish I was.”

  Holly growled. “I don’t trust her.”